Monday, November 22, 2010

In an ideal world.

It's always the same thing at parties. A little awkward as you get to know everybody at first. Then as the drinks keep coming, there's more laughter, more friendliness.

The drinks just keep coming.

The guy in the corner who was just eyeing you appreciatively at the start is now loping towards you. You can see him mentally preparing for rejection, wiping his hands on his jeans. You consider it, but his face is just not appealing enough, and you notice he has a bit of a gut. Eugh.

So you force a tight smile, hoping that that itself will discourage him. Of course it doesn't. Your life isn't that easy.

He strides up, plasters what he hopes is a winning, but is actually a nauseating, smile on his face, and tries to make idle chit chat while you look around for someone who you can pretend is calling you over so you don't have to witness the end of this little encounter.

At long last he gets to the point.

"Can I get you another drink?"
Subtext: You don't seem into me yet. Perhaps if I can get you drunk enough..

"Want to go somewhere private?"
Subtext: I can't very well stick my hand up your skirt in front of all these people, can I...

"I've got some weed in my car"
Subtext: I give you weed, you let me diddle you a bit, it all works out.

"Want to go for a walk?"
Subtext: Come, let me lead you somewhere dark and creepy where your screams cannot be heard.

You say no to any of these, and they're like, "Oh come on, it's just a drink/joint/walk", as if they think you so stupid as to not have noticed the glaring implications of their question. Really. Don't insult our intelligence, boys.

Sometimes I just wish they'd get straight to the point, right?
"Hey, I think you're attractive, I'd very much like to make out with you at some point tonight.. would you want to do that?"

If no, he doesn't need to waste money, time, or weed trying to get in my pants.

And if yes, it doesn't have to mean we just go and get busy straight away, small talk can still continue, courtship can go on, except everybody knows what's coming, and it's a win-win.

Of course you're at perfect liberty to change your mind at any point if his behaviour becomes unattractive, or you get a better offer, and of course he can't be sleazy about it. I mean, you do have to seem like a nice, interesting guy in the first place and not just stick your tongue down our throats the moment 'yes' is uttered.. but if you're a normal kind of person, it could work out wonderfully.

Why doesn't anybody do this?

PS: Of course, leading a guy on and making him buy you drinks without assuring him any physical contact whatsoever has its advantages (free drinks), but that's beside the point.

9 comments:

  1. This is hilarious and well-written. Looks like you got yourself a brand new fan...

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  2. You are a great writer and are totally not afraid to speak your mind!!

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  3. Oh Hannah, we really are meant for each other =) LOL, I've agreed with pretty much every word of every post I've read so far!

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  4. You know what? I am totally going to use your line next time. No stupidness. Upfront and honest. No games. I like it. :)

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  5. Haha, let me know if it works!

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  6. rule # 1 for picking up women : never be too upfront and tell an attractive girl that she's gorgeous, instead use a charming yet degrading pick up line...works like 7/10 times.

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  7. That rule pisses me off most. Anyone who's ever tried it on me has regretted it sorely, unless they made it perfectly plain that it's nothing but a little joke.

    Any serious 'degrading' is likely to work only on women with low self-esteem.

    I respond best to flattery, and worst to stupid attemps at manipulation.

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