Thursday, November 25, 2010

Babies, and why I fear them.

Quite apart from their drooling, incontinent stupidity, babies are humiliating.

1. They throw up on you.
Can you believe the mortification if somebody, anybody, else threw up on you? You'd fly into a towering rage, scream obscenities, demand that they clean their spew the hell off of you, and only a conciliatory gesture like chocolates or ice cream will make your anger go away.

But no, when a baby projectile vomits on you, under the watchful adoring eye of its lovestruck mother, you have to laugh as if it is the most adorable thing ever, smile and coo at the ball of filth as if there is nothing you cherish more than baby-spew upon your face.

Meanwhile, what is the mother doing?

"Oh my, he spit up!"
Oh shit, really?! I hadn't noticed!

"*cooing baby talk*Let's get you all cleaned up my little prince!"
What about me? I'm the one with someone else's spew all over me. CLEAN ME UP.

"*to you* He had a little too much to drink!"
Oh really, Sherlock?!

2. They cry as soon as you touch them.
Imagine, if you will, going up to someone and hugging them.. and then witnessing them burst into tears. It's the height of rudeness. Who cries when you touch them? Only somebody who REALLY fucking hates you, that's who.

But with babies, you can't act offended. No, you have to keep trying to please them, for minutes on end, pathetically, while they cry and whine and bat you with their fat little fists. It's degrading, demeaning, and I don't like it. I am not one to beg and grovel for anybody's approval. But social etiquette requires that I try to please the baby until it stops crying.

This never works. I pull ridiculous faces in attempts to amuse, and succeed only in making a giant ass of myself. I then have to gather my features back into an acceptable expression, and sheepishly hand the bundle over to its mother, whereupon it coos with delight, cementing my humiliation further.

3. They seek out your boobies.
You're holding a baby.. everything is going well.

Suddenly, you feel a wet little mouth leaving a slime-trail from your chest, going towards your boob. You freak out a little bit, hope nobody noticed, and shift the creature into a more respectable position.

The baby is now frustrated.
"Where is my boob?!" it wonders. It continues its quest.

You feel a pudgy hand inching and groping, while you try to engage in adult conversation. Who can take you seriously while a baby is grabbing your boob?

You laugh nervously, as now people are starting to notice. You put on a brave face, and continue with the conversation, holding the baby firmly away from your chest-melons.

It has other ideas.

In one giant lunge, it has plunged its face into your breast, and has started to suck.

You. Are. Mortified.

Everybody sees, but says nothing as you are molested.

What is one to do at this juncture? Scream, remove the gross child, give it to its mother and leave? No, of course not. People will then think that you felt molested by a baby, and that makes you a pervert.

So you must sit there, smiling warmly as you detach its mouth from your womanly parts, and after an acceptable amount of time has passed with you harbouring this molester in your lap, you can then palm it off to somebody else.

But not before suffering the humiliation that the baby sees fit to heap upon you. No, never before.



  1. I can't stand all that pride that parents have over their offspring. They want to show it off to you and expect you to say how monumentally beautiful the fruit if their loins is, but the truth is that all babies look the same. It's beautiful to them because they made it, but I've seen babies before and am unimpressed. I'd be more impressed and interested if they'd built a windmill out of lego together or something.

  2. Ha! So true. I adore my baby, but not necessarily others and I don't expect you to adore my baby either. You know who else is crazy rude like this? Dog owners. In what civilized society would it be acceptable for you to welcome me to your home by lunging at you and licking your face, then ramming my face in your crotch? So don't let your furry person do it either.


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