Thursday, December 2, 2010

Men and balls.

Every time the world cup, or AFL/NFL games (finals? I don't follow them enough to know what they're called) roll around, my facebook page is inundated with testosterony men babbling about how Ronaldo was a disappointment, or how the refs were blind, or else crowing, "GO THE DRAGONS!11" in what can only be compared to lusty glee.

It's not becoming, gentlemen.

There is nothing 'manly' about dozens of sweaty men gathering in a small room, watching other sweaty men in short shorts wrestle and grope each other in muddy fields, screaming at regular intervals and getting drunk. The way you react, you'd think what you were seeing was this;
Of course, that's not what you're seeing.

What you are actually seeing, is this:

Yes, that is a man, sticking his finger up another man's no-no place.

Yet, you seem just as excited about the latter, as the former. I think this says something about you. The whole damn lot of you, for all your collective views about 'masculinity', seem happy enough to suspend them for the duration of the footy season! Strange.

That's just the philosophical side of things. Practically, you'd be nuts to go out into the city centre, or anywhere, really, during football/rugby season. Giggly groups of men will approach you and demand to know what 'team you go for'. If you look puzzled, you are met with jeers and snorts of derision. If you say you don't follow the game, you are met with audible gasps of shock and they sneer as they hastily depart, as though disinterest in their game is contagious, leaving you there to look alone and abandoned.

But if you've been terribly unwise and tried to pick a side, there can be no saving you. If you've picked well, they will howl in triumph, clap you altogether too hard on the back, and insist you join them for three rounds of shitty beer, politely leaving out that you will probably be gang-raped later. Declination of their overenthusiastic offer will be taken as a grave insult, so you'd better have some mace handy.

If you've been unfortunate and picked badly, you could reasonably expect a punch in the face, depending on how drunk the gaggle currently is.

Apart from the haranguing, we all know what happens to men when they coalesce in groups, especially when they've been drinking. It gets ugly. It gets undignified, it gets piteous and sometimes it gets dangerous. So of course, they fall upon the footy season with unreserved glee!

It's absolutely nuts. Akin to the teenage-girl hype regarding Twilight, except this insanity has been going on for much longer.

I laugh and point as the same men who snigger contemptuously at twilight fans turn into rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth crazies the moment football season is upon us.


  1. "So you'd better have some mace handy"... So now you know why I always carry gigantic bags around.

    I never got the fascination either, I don't see lines form to watch my dog fetching a ball. It's the same principle.

    "Rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth-crazies"... Wait, you stopped talking about the Twilight fans?! Just kidding, I read it too, but Twi fans can get pretty ugly defending their teams too...

    I wouldn't want to get caught up in a herd of those when one of the actors walks by, it's just not the way to go.

  2. I couldn't agree more. Where does their masculinity go during football/rugby season? I'm glad my husband isn't a big football fan. My x-husband was and he scared me so I left the house entirely when football was on the television.

  3. Well let's see...the enjoyment of watching men topping other sweaty men for the sake of grabbing hold of a ball in a completely hetero-sanctioned environment - certainly professional sports aren't an outlet for straight men to give into to any deeply buried non-hetero feelings, are they?

    That's just absurd...

  4. I've never understood the (admittedly mostly male) obsession with competitive sports. And the homoeroticism is even worse when you have a group who actually play a sport together. Rugby and footer teams shower and bathe together, get naked in public or dress in women's clothing for a "lark", but heaven forbid any of them actually came out as gay. They'd be black-listed quick-smart.

    Everyone is a nerd about something, but macho sports-nerds are a unique breed. I never punched someone because they said they preferred Captain Picard to Captain Kirk, and I didn't leap out of my chair and scream the house down when Luke blew up the Death Star. Some people need to get a grip.

    Funny post, H.

  5. If you think the men are scary, get a load of some of the women who go apeshit over football. I do promo's for some of the NFL games here in the city - these women will dress up as sexy versions of the mascot while they chug six packs and roast wieners on portable grills. Insane.

  6. Dude, that's not scary, that's just a bit weird, and sometimes arousing. And there's far less of them anyway. Women in groups are hardly ever threatening, whilst men in groups nearly always are.

  7. Snicker, my friend, snicker, not snigger, I feel bad even saying that, even with the 's' in front of it. You know not all men want 2 girls wrestling in mud, they'd rather only focus sexually on one, these gentlemen are called autistic. Kidding. 2 women at once seems like a less connected experience.

  8. Psh, I'm allowed to say 'snigger', I'm almost black. Sort of. Not really.

    They don't? I'm sure they do. Sure, it might be a less connected experience, but most men don't seem to want a connected experience.

    If there are those of you out there that do, make yourselves heard! This "zomg I want 248224 females on me!" thing is getting really old.

  9. I am a rabid, foaming at the mouth crazy for American football. I just can't help myself, even though I don't possess the requisite parts to fall under your headline, I love my football. One season I got into an argument with a fan of my team's rival. It ended up with me punching him in the face and him buying me a drink. I'm pretty sure I only got away with it because I'm female. I'm sorry for my craziness, I just don't know any other way. Also, I was in Italy they year the won the World Cup and watch the fans rejoice in the streets of Rome was one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life.
    Sidenote: I have not ever dressed up as a sexy football player, and I solemnly swear I never will. :)

  10. NRL shorts are practically the length of hotpants. There is indeed something very gay about that.

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  12. AMEN. I've been saying that for YEARS. Men are all gay for each other, and sports are the most homoerotic thing EVER.

  13. Here's a related question from my blog:

  14. I love your blog. :D


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