Thursday, December 2, 2010

How my vagina destroys my life.

Some months ago, I feared I had a UTI, and shuffled to the medical centre, in some amount of discomfort.

I gave my name in at reception, and waited my turn. Presently, a chubby, pleasant looking Asian man came through and mumbled my name. It sounded more like 'hamster' than 'Hannah' in hindsight, but I digress. The man was obviously not fluent in English, who am I to judge.

I was led to the office, whereupon he handed me a piece of paper with a skeleton drawn upon it, and asked me in broken English to indicate where I was feeling pain.

Now, this was not standard procedure. Usually they just ask you what your symptoms are, get a test maybe, and prescribe you some antibiotics. But obviously the good doctor didn't know enough English to glean that much information from me, so he preferred to work through pictures. Alright, whatever.

Trying to be professional and pretend this wasn't embarrassing in the highest degree, I circled the crotch-area of the skeleton, which now seemed to be mocking me with its overlarge grin.

Doctor Asia studied the picture for a minute, then motioned for me to hop up on the bed/cot thing. Oh my god, he was going to give me a physical. Fuck my shitty life. I hadn't shaved or anything. It was going to be like traversing the Amazon. My shame knew no bounds.

Bravely, I got up there, and awaited instructions. I may have unbuttoned my pants in anticipation of the humiliation to come.

Doctor dearest then tells me to lie on my stomach. He was going in from behind? What the hell?

He's a doctor, Hannah. Don't be ridiculous. Do as he says.

I did as I was told. He started lifting up my shirt and massaging my back.

What? Was this his idea of getting me relaxed before invading my privates? Who knows. It felt really good, and I was feeling more at ease already.

He then asked me where I felt discomfort. I motioned vaguely to my groin. He asked me to turn over onto my back, and started massaging my hip area.. he asked again where it hurt... I motioned lower, because he was really nowhere near my crotch at this point. He looked horrorstruck at my unbuttoned pants and backed away.

What? What did I do wrong? DO YOU WANT TO DIAGNOSE ME OR NOT, OLD MAN!?

He then looks at me and says he will send me in for an X-Ray.

"An X-Ray?" I said, puzzled. "Why do I need an X-Ray? I just need antibiotics!"
"...What for?"
"... My UTI?"
"I can't do anything about your UTI! You should see your GP about that!"
"I thought you were the GP!"
"I'm a chiropractor!!"

I fled and have since never shown my face there again.


  1. I feel really guilty for laughing, but I can just imagine this poor little chiropractor telling the story to his family.

    "..and then this girl is all 'why aren't you spelunking the amazon', god it was awkward"

  2. haha...really, it is funny, in hindsight.

  3. I actually feel bad for you. UTI's suck, and to have to waste all that time thinkng you were going to be cured.


    I hope your vagina feels better :)

  4. Yeah, I feel really bad for that guy. He must've felt so violated, being directed closer and closer to my vag. =[

    Lol, turned out not to be a UTI. Dunno what it was, but it went away by itself. Which is good, seeing as my vagina would pretty much have had to be overrun with flesh-eating bacteria for me to go back to that medical centre.

  5. Embarrassing yet hilarious. At least the experience made into a pretty good post... Poor guy, I can just imagine his face. And poor you. But it's not like it was your fault, their administration messed up, right?
    It's always a comfort to read you blogs: laughing is guaranteed no matter how bad and shitty life gets. Thanks.

  6. Yes! They messed up totally! People should learn to call out names clearly!

    Haha, thankyou very much. At least my suffering is good for something.

  7. OMG!!!! How did you not know it was a chiropractors office? Or did I miss something? That is embarassing but that is totally something that would happen to me! Ugh! I hope you got your UTI taken care of!

  8. A. Hilarious that you asked for a happy ending from the chiropractor.

    B. You used "presently" correctly. I want to marry you.

  9. Thanks for sharing this, Hannah....It made me chortle and I am at work.

  10. Wow. That is painfully embarrassing. But look on the bright side, you didn't have UTI.

    Oh and HI! You're my first and only follower. So I have mad love for you right now.

  11. Firstly - I love that Lionel Alva used the word 'chortle'.

    Secondly - I don't know how that happened - but it's hilarious. And sad. And embarrassing. All wrapped into a neat package for the internet.


  12. You and your sarcastic nature please me.
    As does your word choice.
    Also, your blog seems to do the trick.

    What a beauty, this here blog.

    Hopefully your woman parts are feeling alright. I will pray to the vagina Gods for you.

  13. oh ho ho! hahah
    that was pretty savage.
    reminds me something outta a i love lucy marathon.
    "oh golly gee wizz ..."

  14. Besides having the best title in blog history, this was a hilarious post. I'm glad I found your blog.

  15. That was really funny. I mean, horrible. But, really, really funny.

  16. To be honest, the story's ending was quite anticlimactic for me. I must read too much Anais Nin.

    My vag sees your Amazon and raises you a Taiga.

    I just imagined getting the word "jungle" tattooed in Sanskrit right above my hoo-ha. For reference, it'd look like this: जंगल.

  17. ps. you're going on my links list... now.

  18. Hahaha, you are so funny. That was great!

  19. "Oh my god, he was going to give me a physical. Fuck my shitty life. I hadn't shaved or anything. Fuck, it was going to be like traversing the Amazon."

    I definitely appreciate the comparison of your vagina to the Amazon... and I definitely can relate.

  20. Hahahhaa ,so funny ! Your sarcastic way talking is great..

  21. OMG. This is hilarious. Totally an FML moment.

  22. Oh dear god!! Hilarious horror story! And so well told.

  23. Brilliant! Nearly had to change my knickers! :))

  24. Well if I ever feel there's a 'man drought' in Sydney again I'll just head to the chiropractor's office for a feel-up! ;-)


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