Friday, March 11, 2011

Control your kid.

One of the (many) things I can't stand is loud, unruly babies and children. On public transport, in restaurants, in movie theatres, on planes.

There can be no excuse.

Why the hell are you bringing your infant to a restaurant when you know babies are prone to loud crying?! Am I paying all that money to eat my fancy meal, only to have your screaming infant ruin the ambience with its incessant squalling? You can definitely do without eating out. You won't die of starvation. Stay home with your little cretin, and stop punishing the rest of us.

Cinemas; why do you bring your infants to them!? Babies don't give a fuck about movies. All they want to do is cry and soil themselves. I most certainly did not pay $15 to listen to your brat drown out the brilliant dialogue of Johnny Depp. Go to hell, you fuck.

Why do you bring your infants on planes?! Even *I* have severe discomfort in my ears upon take-off and landing, and I'm an adult. Your child is going to be much worse off, and obviously cry its lungs out. Use your  brains and postpone your trip, leave your irritating progeny with a relative, or find alternative transportation.

Would you tolerate some balding, obese man screaming at the top of his lungs while you are trying to get some rest at the end of a 16 hour flight? Certainly not. Yet that is what your baby is, in miniature.

If you CHOOSE to have a baby, without consulting the rest of us, you had better make sure it doesn't piss me off, or I might well punch it, then you, in the face. When you have a baby, you'd better be ready to sacrifice going out to eat, going to movies, and air travel until the thing grows to an age where it can be controlled.

Now, upon it reaching an age where it can understand punishment and acceptable behaviour, teach it.

The number of times I see parents with their screaming, rambunctious kids running all over the place, squeezing their bastard squeaky toys until my ears are ringing, and generally making a menace of themselves, runs into the thousands.

What is wrong with you? You birthed a child. Now you stand there, yapping away to the hairdresser or mechanic or clerk or whatever, and leave the child to harass the rest of us? Where in your tiny brain does this strike you as being okay?

I can just hear the protests now.

"You don't have a child, you don't know what it's like!"
Well, you should've thought of that before deciding against the abortion, shouldn't you.

"Parenting is hard."
So is mountain-climbing. Which is why people who can't do it, don't.

"*I* am contributing to the population, what're YOU doing with YOUR life?!"
YOU are raising a new generation of assholes. Even if I do nothing else but breathe for the rest of my life, I will be less of a moron than you.

"Children are adorable, you're a horrible person."
Puppies and kittens are adorable. Children are the devil.


  1. couldn't. agree. more.

    And as for "contributing to the population", we're overpopulated enough already!! It's just selfishness to want to continue your own family name.

  2. I don't really agree, but I laughed my pants off. And yes, babies and children should be taken care of, but not trated like they own the planet, that much I completely agree on.

  3. My thoughts exactly - only with counter arguments.

  4. Awesome!:)..Can't agree more..!..Loved reading that!

  5. Andy; Yes! I firmly believe that everybody should start adopting.

    Vic; Lol. XD

    Tom; Do share!

    Sharad; Haha, thankyou!

  6. It's annoying too how they act like they belong to some special club, these people with kids. I have a lot of friends who are married now, and fairly new parents. All they talk about are the kids! Then you get a few of them together and they start swapping stories about the kids!! Please shoot me!!

  7. Wee; Good god, I agree!

    It even stretches to just those in relationships, sometimes. Suddenly, ALL THEY CAN TALK ABOUT is their significant other, or what they did with their significant other, or how their significant other annoys them... ENOUGH.

  8. For instance; When my 'friend' had a kid, suddenly ALL her status updates on facebook were about the kid, suddenly every single thing she said was peppered with 'the baby' this, 'my daughter' that.

    I think these people are all fundamentally insecure.

  9. YES! And the really annoying part is they expect to be considered mature for losing any hint of personality they might have had!

  10. This is amazing. Although I don't actually agree with it all, I laughed so hard :)

  11. You're right. I wouldn't, and haven't, tolerated balding fat screaming obese men (or women) since 1998. And babies are just mini versions of bigger assholes.

    I share your frustration. Especially at movies--but even worse: at the theater. REALLY? YOU BROUGHT YOUR 3 YEAR OLD TO SEE MUTHERFUCKING TOM STOPPARD? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? ARE YOU AWARE I'VE NOW SPENT 140 BUCKS TO HEAR YOUR KID SHIFT AND SCREAM? I could have gotten on a plane and enjoyed that particular circle of Hell for less.

    PS: Don't forget your birth control tonight.

    xo Trouble

  12. Movie theaters is my big one. I went to the new Narnia and this child was literally leaning over the back of my seat, two inches from my face. The appalling part? The kid did this through the entire movie, which is like 2 hours, and the parents did NOTHING. I could have PTSD and punch that kid in the face, those parents don't know. I finally got up and stormed out of the theater after the 3rd fucking time that this kid did it. Then when I got back it kicked the back of my seat and all this other annoying shit till my mom finally switched me seats because I was about to throw the biggest bitch fit ever. The assholes never even attempted to apologize and I know that they had to be seeing what their fucktard kid was doing.

  13. Planes are the only thing I disagree with on here. Mostly because a couple years ago a family member died (no sympathy, I never even met the woman) and my cousin was only comfortable leaving her baby with family - the problem is that all the family was also travelling to the funeral.

    At that age, it's not healthy to drug them to sleep on the plane, so she just had to endure it. It was an awful trip for her as well as everyone else. No one likes travelling with a newborn. If they do, their stupid.

    When we were travelling, from 2 on, however, my mother would give us half a Gravol (I don't remember this) and we'd be out. Some parents told her she was a bad parent for doing this, but then she got to sit their smug while everyone else was trying (and failing) to control their kids.

    The theatre is the one that DRIVES ME BATSHIT. No one needs you to bring your baby to the theatre! NO ONE. Get a friggin' babysitter!

  14. Yes, it's particularly bad on FB!! While facebooks busy making changes to the layout every other week, maybe they could work on banning everyone with a baby!!...sweeeet.....

  15. I SO AGREE! I've always felt that way. Even though I am good with kids and work with kids (until the last 5 years of my life) I strongly dislike them especially the bratty ones who rule their parents. I could rant about this all day. Get a fucking babysitter and teach your kids some discipline. I don't care, my parents were able to do it to me, that means anyone can do it. (not that they're stupid but that I was the antichrist as a child).

  16. This made me cackle. What I detest is how parents don't raise their kids anymore. They sit them in front of a screen. So much for contributing to the population.

  17. So true.... :) I completely agree.

  18. Amazing work....Out of the world sarcasm on kids....Loved It.....I am an Indian woman married for 2 years now and would love if everyone in my family cud read this... :P

  19. My My!! I am impressed !!! loved the sarcasm :P but don't let it build up so much that you might actually punch out a baby in face :P good one indeed! :P

  20. I want to print this out and start handing it to assholes with obnoxious children.

  21. hahahaha, I was seeing Paul yesterday, and this hispanic family brought their young children to see this movie. Not babies which would have been bad enough, but kids around the age where you hear and repeat stuff. They brought them to Paul, the movie with a LOT of cursing, drug use, and sexual humor. And we had to hear these little shits talking and asking questions throughout half the fucking movie until I said "Lady, get your kids the fuck out of here!" She gave me an attitude and said "That language isn't necessary." Really? REALLY?! I just walked out and got a theater employee who escorted her and her failure brood out.

  22. I know this is an extremely late comment but I just found your blog and I'm going to use the excuse that you should be happy I'm reading it instead of unhappy about late comments. I think it works :P
    I agree completely as far as toddlers are concerned, there are a lot of places children just don't need to be. Find a babysitter, and if you can't be bothered to do that then have the courtesy to actually PARENT your children. Allowing them to run around screaming and yelling and generally causing a disturbance is not acceptable.
    One other thing that bothers me about rambunctious children actually are the parents who make as big of a scene while disciplining these children. I don't want to hear your children yelling and screaming and I certainly don't want to hear you yelling and screaming right back at them. Learn to control your behaviour and perhaps they'll learn by example how to control theirs.
    I find I'm far more leniant with babies though. I mean, have you ever tried to have a conversation with one? Communication and understanding are not always easy with them.
    Also, in regards to air travel in particular, sometimes I think you have no choice. My husband is in the military and we are stationed overseas. We do not have children as of yet but it is part of the plan, so, when it comes time to be restationed if I have a baby what would you suggest. Do I stay overseas by myself in a foreign country where I do not have family and cannot legally support myself and my child until such time as the baby is deemed old enough to travel without being a disturbance? Or perhaps I should not be allowed to procreate until I'm safely back in America where I won't have to travel. I don't think I like either option myself.
    Sorry it's such a long comment, sometimes I start to ramble and I can't stop myself lol. At any rate, I've been enjoying reading your blog so far!

  23. I'm probably one of the few people who has kids and agrees with you almost 100% I hate kids! Love my own kids, but I've raised them according to MY standards. We stayed home, we turned down dinners out, we took turns going out, we hired baby sitters when needed.
    We spent time with our kids and talked and taught them how to behave, we didnt beat them or scream at them, and I know I can safely say: they are some of the most well behaved children you'lll meet. They're miniature geniuses to boot ;)
    There should be an IQ test to procreate. Call me hitler, but seriously... One day you (not you, you, but stupid people) or your stupid kids will do something incredibly stupid, its inevitable, and endanger people who deserve alot more than to be wiped out by your brainlessness.
    Modern medicine, as wonderful as it is, is saving alot of people, from their own stupidity, who dont really deserve to procreate and are only clouding up the gene pool.

  24. I have to saw i mostly agree with you. I have a 2 year old and taking her to a movie or a fancy dinner would be a waste of money for me and every one else around. However i disagree with the planes. Sometimes you have to travel with kids and there is no way around it. Life doesnt stop just because you have kids but they do put the brakes on the places you can go.


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