Friday, November 26, 2010

So long, and thanks for all the.. Oh.

We had fish when I was a child. A big tank, with two goldfish and two.. little ones. I forget what species.

My mother was passionately against having pets because she had had bad experiences with pets (deaths, running away, being run over, etc.) and so didn't want any more. I bullied her though, and my dad indulged me, so we got a fish tank.

I was excited for a bit.. and then lost all interest on the second day. Kids are fickle.

So it was up to my mum to take care of them, even though I had assured her a hundred times it wouldn't be. Kids are also liars.

Now, my mother.. is an 'out-of-the-box' kind of thinker.

Basically.. she does weird shit.

So one fine day, she decided that the fishies were bored, and needed exercise. She took to plunging a stick into the tank, and chasing them around with it for a few minutes a day, just to add a little excitement in their lives.

Two of them, the little ones, died of what I am sure were heart attacks.

Not your best idea, Mum.

After this little tragedy, she decided (wisely) that exercise wasn't for them.

A few days later, I noticed innards hanging out one of the fish's butts. I screamed for my mum to come help my little fishy. Kids are melodramatic. She was as horrified as I;
"Oh my god, it's insides are coming out! What the hell! Oh, the poor little thing!"

She was so horrified at its pain, that she decided to put it down. She scooped it out of the tank, laid it gently on the kitchen counter, and cut its head off with a cleaver. She gave it a nice burial. It was sweet.

Later, we saw the other fish's innards hanging out too! The horror! What vile disease had spread across our little tank!

Yeah.. until I realised.. it was fish poo. Turns out, that is how fish take a shit. Long strings of poo hang out their fishy butts, and eventually fall off and settle at the bottom of the tank.

Poor goldfish #1. Executed for taking a shit.

Another few days later, I befriended a stray cat, and brought it home. I promised my mother I would keep it away from the fish tank. Kids are sociopaths.

The cat got into the fish tank, and mauled Goldy #2. My mother figured it would be kinder to put it outs of its misery. The cleaver came out again.

Moral of the story; Don't believe a word kids say. They suck.

Also, my mother is a fish-murdering lunatic.


  1. I totally agree to your mother being a fish-murdering lunatic. I would be terrified to trip and break something in front of your house, your mum might want to put me out of my misery... * swing a cleaver through the air, laughing like a psychopath, birds leave their nest in horror *
    Who the hell puts down a fish? With a cleaver too?! For taking a ... Messed up.

  2. LOL, oh come on, her intentions were pure! The fish didn't suffer! Except the ones that had heart attacks.. their last moments were filled with terror and despair.

    Also, LMAO @ whoever clicked "you're wrong". Hahahahaha.

  3. Me and my sister used to have goldfish. Her's kept dying, then got replaced, then died. They only lived for about a week a time. Then she gave her last to me and it lived for a month. Brotherly one-upmanship is awesome.

    Following now :)

  4. I clicked the next blog button and here I am. From what I see so far, you are both funny and angry. What a great combination! If you don't mind, I'm going to tag along...
    Patrick Tillett, Extremely Overdue

  5. My daughter won a little gold fish at a local carnival. It was a 10 cent feeder. They don't live that long and are usually fed to other fish. This bastard is now about 8 inches long, has every disease known to man or fish, but won't die! He's now 7 years old...
    Here's the link if you're interested...

  6. I reckon that I perfectly understand your position although what happened to mine would be far worse. You have no idea of the hideous torture my puppy dog had to endure coz of her(my mom, that is) for a mere morsel of sustenance. Such was the morbid nature of its trenchant pathos that my fingers quiver to even blog about it lest she become cognizant.

  7. You're an amazing writer, this made me laugh so hard.

  8. LOL @ the 7 year old fish.

    @Lionel; poor puppy. :( Happily though, I don't think my fishies suffered. The swing of the cleaver was swift and final.

    @Mia: How sweet you are! Thankyou very much. :D

  9. I swear stumbling across this blog was the best thing to happen to me today. =)

  10. =D
    Your comment was the best thing to happen to *me* today!

    PS: Were you born in '89 too?


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