So long, and thanks for all the.. Oh.

We had fish when I was a child. A big tank, with two goldfish and two.. little ones. I forget what species.

My mother was passionately against having pets because she had had bad experiences with pets (deaths, running away, being run over, etc.) and so didn't want any more. I bullied her though, and my dad indulged me, so we got a fish tank.

I was excited for a bit.. and then lost all interest on the second day. Kids are fickle.

So it was up to my mum to take care of them, even though I had assured her a hundred times it wouldn't be. Kids are also liars.

Now, my mother.. is an 'out-of-the-box' kind of thinker.

Basically.. she does weird shit.

So one fine day, she decided that the fishies were bored, and needed exercise. She took to plunging a stick into the tank, and chasing them around with it for a few minutes a day, just to add a little excitement in their lives.

Two of them, the little ones, died of what I am sure were heart attacks.

Not your best idea, Mum.

After this little tragedy, she decided (wisely) that exercise wasn't for them.

A few days later, I noticed innards hanging out one of the fish's butts. I screamed for my mum to come help my little fishy. Kids are melodramatic. She was as horrified as I;

"Oh my god, it's insides are coming out! What the hell! Oh, the poor little thing!"

She was so horrified at its pain, that she decided to put it down. She scooped it out of the tank, laid it gently on the kitchen counter, and cut its head off with a cleaver. She gave it a nice burial. It was sweet.

Later, we saw the other fish's innards hanging out too! The horror! What vile disease had spread across our little tank!

Yeah.. until I realised.. it was fish poo. Turns out, that is how fish take a shit. Long strings of poo hang out their fishy butts, and eventually fall off and settle at the bottom of the tank.


Poor goldfish #1. Executed for taking a shit.

Another few days later, I befriended a stray cat, and brought it home. I promised my mother I would keep it away from the fish tank. Kids are sociopaths.

The cat got into the fish tank, and mauled Goldy #2. My mother figured it would be kinder to put it outs of its misery. The cleaver came out again.

Moral of the story; Don't believe a word kids say. They suck.

Also, my mother is a fish-murdering lunatic.